Normal? Not 'Arf!!

I live in the North West. I am a mum who struggles. I try to be the mum I see on the telly or facebook. But it just doesn't work. I am good at stuff but lack motivation to have a hobby or make phone calls to friends or do the housework or get up before 11am. 12pm. Yes. I have a daughter who's 8 and I go to bed in the mornings. I eat crap!! There's the books where authors state that they're being honest cos they state that didn't give their children home made food for three days in a row. Then there's me. The extreme! I have friends and people who love me. Yet am scared of the phone so I resort to facebook and texting.

Love the small one. She's great. I sit with her and hug her. It's been said that 'All you need is love'. I hope this is true in our case. Went to Haven last Easter hols and feel a little lighter knowing she and her friend enjoyed it so much they didn't want to leave. It was a very cheap (cold) holiday but enjoyable. We had fun. Knowing now that life is very 'quiet' though, brings endless feelings of guilt. I am there for her. My husband (her step-dad) is. But when it comes to swimming and bike-reading - none of which she has mastered yet - and other similar hobbies and so-forth, I feel I/we have failed. Very little work and struggle to pay for food. No we don't waste money or smoke/rarely drink, and we only go for free days out, that's if we go out at all.

I want to have a happier blog next time. I hope I do. I hope, as I hope and pray every day, that I will have some lovely news to report - whatever that news is. I don't want to be negative. I want to tell the world about a happy event!

Thanks for listening!

Finding that this is all my interest in life - helping me feel marginally less useless than the way I feel. Still seeing friends with friends and feeling left out. Church girls. Together. Lunch and coffee. Thirty years of insecurities. It's high time to change my outlook! Seeing their achievements and their hopes and dreams being met. I like to write. But this is my only way I use it. I give up. Too easily. ALWAYS believing it isn't good enough. Running? Got bored after 2 months and gave up. Swimming? No money. Boy we can barely afford to eat - so why would we go swimming?

Made small progress with one area though - Jonathan (my beloved) has stopped drinking altogether. I have drastically cut down. Saves money and increases health.

Applied for teaching for second time - having stopped at interview last time. Awaited reference and not arrived. I think. Even small obstacles make me stop and give up. Which is so frustrating as I know I have potential. Even small insects don't give up on what they set out to do - so why should I?!!

Boy these blogs are depressing! Lets hope next time has better news. One can but hope! I tell myself that a smile costs nothing (it never does when with my clients in the care work) - that smile could extend elsewhere in my life don't you think? Yes? Thought so.............

Happy thoughts. God thoughts xxx

So I saw a website of a 'one woman show' woman... she was in our group of friends, when growing up within a church youth group, 20 years ago. Yes. I felt insanely jealous having come across her 2 websites and the fact that she had 4 or 5 different roles/jobs - within the 'elite' of the British evangelical world. Yes. I wondered how I was still in a position of regret, sitting around waiting for life to happen, feeling guilty for just about everything in life, weight gain, not swimming or dancing depsite those things being my strong point. Assigning my wasted life to feeling sorry for myself and sitting on my arse all day! Waiting, waiting. Oh so much waiting. I WANT our daughter to be happy, contented, talented, clever, loving, able to swim, cycle, be sociable, loving, caring, be herself. Hmmmmm. I am being the typical yummy mummy....... oh and feel that familiar guilt again. She started and stopped ballet classes FOUR times so far. Such a bad mum that I am! Flute lessons start at school for her in September. Can we afford it? Dunno. We work 16 hours/week between us, so not exactly raking it in! Uuurrghhh I am SO focussed on money! ALL the time! But no money thus no life (???) thus depression thus guilt thus depression and so it goes on......... Yet, DOES God see us for our achievements? In my mind it seems that many of us think so. The whole of the Western world sees it that way I think. The majority of the developing world less likely to - more likely to rely on survival I should say.

Ok. So it's VERY late. Shall carry on another time..............

A time to live.... A time to die?

First time blogging First time groaning
First time moaning.......... Droning

I look around at my friends and wonder WHERE I've gone wrong! Why is it not me who gets the house the car the job the money???? Selfish? Am I? Am I really? Why am I here then? Is it not a natural human emotion to BE selfish? I do not know at which crossroads in my life things changed for me. Perhaps it was the marrying the first time bit? Perhaps? Or the hope that I could be better than who I am now. I don't know. Can anyone tell me why life is what it's not supposed to be? Many questions, as you can see. I have skills and talents I know that full well, I have my faith in the one true God. Yes, it's true that I know this life is but a fleeting moment in eternity. But my impatience suggests that I have a loooong way to go before eternity hits me. Or I hit eternity.

Pyjamas are still on me, by the way. It's now 4.30pm. Yet one more thing to feel guilty for. Want to change. The pyjamas to the clothes. And the poverty to feeling somewhat ok and fulfilled and satisfied. 'I am the Bread of Life', said Jesus. So let me eat THAT bread, and not the constant eternal hunger for something else which I THINK will make life better. Which it would, temporarily.

Signing off for now. Watch out for more random musings - perhaps when I feel more like my own self............