So I saw a website of a 'one woman show' woman... she was in our group of friends, when growing up within a church youth group, 20 years ago. Yes. I felt insanely jealous having come across her 2 websites and the fact that she had 4 or 5 different roles/jobs - within the 'elite' of the British evangelical world. Yes. I wondered how I was still in a position of regret, sitting around waiting for life to happen, feeling guilty for just about everything in life, weight gain, not swimming or dancing depsite those things being my strong point. Assigning my wasted life to feeling sorry for myself and sitting on my arse all day! Waiting, waiting. Oh so much waiting. I WANT our daughter to be happy, contented, talented, clever, loving, able to swim, cycle, be sociable, loving, caring, be herself. Hmmmmm. I am being the typical yummy mummy....... oh and feel that familiar guilt again. She started and stopped ballet classes FOUR times so far. Such a bad mum that I am! Flute lessons start at school for her in September. Can we afford it? Dunno. We work 16 hours/week between us, so not exactly raking it in! Uuurrghhh I am SO focussed on money! ALL the time! But no money thus no life (???) thus depression thus guilt thus depression and so it goes on......... Yet, DOES God see us for our achievements? In my mind it seems that many of us think so. The whole of the Western world sees it that way I think. The majority of the developing world less likely to - more likely to rely on survival I should say.

Ok. So it's VERY late. Shall carry on another time..............

A time to live.... A time to die?

First time blogging First time groaning
First time moaning.......... Droning

I look around at my friends and wonder WHERE I've gone wrong! Why is it not me who gets the house the car the job the money???? Selfish? Am I? Am I really? Why am I here then? Is it not a natural human emotion to BE selfish? I do not know at which crossroads in my life things changed for me. Perhaps it was the marrying the first time bit? Perhaps? Or the hope that I could be better than who I am now. I don't know. Can anyone tell me why life is what it's not supposed to be? Many questions, as you can see. I have skills and talents I know that full well, I have my faith in the one true God. Yes, it's true that I know this life is but a fleeting moment in eternity. But my impatience suggests that I have a loooong way to go before eternity hits me. Or I hit eternity.

Pyjamas are still on me, by the way. It's now 4.30pm. Yet one more thing to feel guilty for. Want to change. The pyjamas to the clothes. And the poverty to feeling somewhat ok and fulfilled and satisfied. 'I am the Bread of Life', said Jesus. So let me eat THAT bread, and not the constant eternal hunger for something else which I THINK will make life better. Which it would, temporarily.

Signing off for now. Watch out for more random musings - perhaps when I feel more like my own self............