Finding that this is all my interest in life - helping me feel marginally less useless than the way I feel. Still seeing friends with friends and feeling left out. Church girls. Together. Lunch and coffee. Thirty years of insecurities. It's high time to change my outlook! Seeing their achievements and their hopes and dreams being met. I like to write. But this is my only way I use it. I give up. Too easily. ALWAYS believing it isn't good enough. Running? Got bored after 2 months and gave up. Swimming? No money. Boy we can barely afford to eat - so why would we go swimming?

Made small progress with one area though - Jonathan (my beloved) has stopped drinking altogether. I have drastically cut down. Saves money and increases health.

Applied for teaching for second time - having stopped at interview last time. Awaited reference and not arrived. I think. Even small obstacles make me stop and give up. Which is so frustrating as I know I have potential. Even small insects don't give up on what they set out to do - so why should I?!!

Boy these blogs are depressing! Lets hope next time has better news. One can but hope! I tell myself that a smile costs nothing (it never does when with my clients in the care work) - that smile could extend elsewhere in my life don't you think? Yes? Thought so.............

Happy thoughts. God thoughts xxx